Freedom dreaming

I was sleep the first time it happened. 

I was sleep every time it happened.

Sleep, I was told, was restorative.

Closing my eyes would allow my body to rest.

My mind could stop wandering.

I could be inactive.

I didn’t have to feel.

Just close your eyes, they said.

Close them.

Don’t look.

If ever it becomes too much, just go lie down. Close your eyes.

I closed my eyes.

This seemed better than reality.

More delicious.

More alluring.

Shinier.

Easier.

Quieter.

whiter.

No freedom, which I think I loved. I didn’t have to do or decide anything.

I could just go along here...play my role here.

Eventually I stayed asleep.

It attacked.

It kept attacking.

But then I heard them whispering..

Singing….

First, through my mother

Then, my sister

Then through Toni

I opened my eyes.

I opened my eyes and they stopped.

The whitemares stopped.

I see now.

I feel now.

I freedom dream now.

With my eyes wide open.